Little switcheroo in the usual line-up this time 'round. Because of course as soon as I announce that I don't lj-cut my Thoughts, I have to lj-cut my Thoughts. *headdesk* Seriously, they got too long. And I edited a lot out. OMG, Ree Motormouth. :| Also, this transcript is in two parts. All the storyboard descriptions and split-screen shots put it over LJ data posting limits. Shaddup -- it was overlimit even before the Thoughts were added, pffft.

NOTES
+CowLip and Showtime's boys and girls.
+Feel free to save to your computer, but please don't repost anywhere.
+Archived here by the fantabulous paddies.
+Spot an error? Please leave a comment or e-mail me, and I'll look into it.
+Comments are welcome.

CLARIFICATION
+Ted's gym twinkie never does get an official name. But credits list a "Gary" and with the process of elimination, I'm 99% sure that's our little chubby chaser. So that's how I reference him. Because, um, GARY is easier than GYM TWINKIE. But for canon sake, know that's how I arrived at the name.

RANDOM THOUGHTS/OBSERVATIONS ON 5.01
+Michael, "Maybe it's time for a change." Everyone, say hello to this season's theme.
+CA has a magical sun that never sets. Consider: Michael leaves Babylon to be home by midnight. So it's late, say, 11:45 p.m. Assuming he doesn't stop for a drink or potty break, Brian goes straight to the backroom. Justin calls. From outside where there is a bright CA sun shining high in the sky. Even assuming the 3 hour time difference, it should be at least 9 p.m. in CA.
+Hey, Todd. I'm gonna miss you, you little slut.


+Justin's "I miss you." kills both me and Brian. As does his sex!moans later when Brian talks to Michael about him not coming back. Love the way the sound overlapped in that scene.
+Forget post-partum depression. Mel has post-partum aggression.
+During the crib scene, Ben's all *baby voice* to J.R. and Gus is all *WTF?* at him. Bwa!
+Why is every time anyone on this show have sex, something falls and breaks? And why does nothing break when B/J have sex? Pffft.
+Oh, Ben. I have always pictured you grocery shopping with your v. own hemp bags. You break my heart with the plastic.
+The Silk/milk cartons are sooo props. Ben hands them over like they weigh nothing -- cos they do.
+These people have got to stop.giving.parties. Seriously. Has there ever been one that's ended well? Surprises in general aren't fairing too well in this ep, actually.
+"I hope on our 10th anniversary we're not too tired to celebrate." Ow, my heart. I'm hoping Ben's still alive in 10 years. And if I'm thinking it, Michael's thinking it. :(
+OMG RANDY PUBES!! Well, that's settled: Randy's hot no matter who he's fucking.
+TED WAVING AT BRIAN'S BALLS ALFKAJSD. I love those two so much. Uh, Brian and Ted. Not Brian's balls. Oh, let's face it, I love them, too.
+OCD!Brian, I ♥ you. During the Kinnetik scene, Ted breaks a bear claw in half and eats it. The other half lays on the table. YOU FROWN AS YOU PICK IT UP AND PUT IT BACK ON THE PLATE.
+Eli, "I'm Devon's biological father and Monty's Ondine's bio dad. Same mom, however. It was important to us that they be related." OH, SNAP! MEL/LINDS, ELI TOTALLY BURNED YOU OMG!!1
+Just when I was thinking we'd have lots of confident!Ted goodness this season, they take down his entire ego in the first ep. Leave my Teddy alone, dammit. So is Gary hoping to get in on the ground floor by building his v. own chubby to spec? Because, dude, Ted wasn't exactly huge when they met. :|
+Speaking of Gary... He looks a lot like Blake. Who looks a lot like Justin. Hmn. Ted and Brian even have the same taste in men, heh.
+OMG I SAW A WOMAN IN RIPT GYM. Is this the first time? I don't remember women there before!
+Connor, "Show everyone I'm a straight guy who has no problems playing gay for pay." ...cackled CowLip as they flipped off Hal.
+FORESHADOWING OMG: Michael, "Well, maybe you should get a new place. House in the country."
+Knoll.com, where Brian stopped to look. Our boy has v. nice taste.
+Brian, Brave Toaster. Aside from knowing what was up with L/M, the thought of going to that anniversary party without Justin had to help make Brian's decision to stay away. Everyone all *yay, couples, yay, forever* and here he's not expecting his woobie to ever come back.
+Tucked into the mirror of the Girls' dresser, there's a S1 photo of Linds/Mel/Gus/BRIAN. How much does Mel just love THAT. :|
+I blame this show for making me all obsessed with the storytelling parallels between characters, but I swear, it's rampant this season. Take Em distancing himself from Deb like Brian doing the same from Justin. Both thinking the other is better off without them. Both wrong. Both needing someone else to step in.
+GUS HAS DIALOGUE IN THIS EP OMFG. "Hi, mommy." *Ree ovulates*
+"Now, more than ever, it's important people know that a gay couple can be just as committed as any straight couple." Okay, so Ben brought a casserole and a soapbox.
+Brian's appeal is universal. Because that backroom cop doesn't look all that disgusted by the thought of that favor being returned as he watches Brian leave.
+Deb really needs gloves when restocking the diner's dessert display. Ew.
+In that same diner scene, where did Brian come from? From the way he enters the shot from the left (and not the right where the door is), he must have been already sitting at a booth or in the bathroom. And since he doesn't greet either Mikey or Deb, I'm guessing he's been there awhile. Not that he's Mr. Social usually, but still. Or else he came in through the back door. Which, ya gotta admit, would be fitting. Heh.
+The way Brian says "kaput" kills me ded. Also, that would make a good computer sound when it crashes a program or someone signs off Y!M alkdjf.
+So, the XTC signage over the art dept. door? I'm assuming it's the slang for the drug and not the band we're referencing here. Or maybe that art is like a drug? *navel gazes*
+The actress at the art desk in the background is totally checking out Connor as he turns in his Rage suit. I can't decide if she's a really bored extra and the ass view she's getting is keeping her awake, or if she's method acting and has decided her character would totally check out the movie star. Cos if Brad Pitt walked into my office in a spandex suit, I'm sure as hell gonna look up from my computer kthx.
+Well, okay. That's just wrong. There are pics of Brian on the board behind Justin's desk, which I'm all for. But someone should have taken a Polaroid of Gale or something before filming, a simple candid that Justin would likely have. Instead they're using a still from the 201 "not your fault" scene. Justin wouldn't have a picture of that lakjda. The other photo is the Hulkian one from the Rage photo shoot. Something else Justin wouldn't have, but I can see Justin snapping a photo of Brian striking that pose while playing around with Gus, or even just asking Brian to pose for sketching reference.
+Kudos to wardrobe in general, but especially for Justin's TKO shirt. That couldn't have been a more perfect shirt to have on when Brett does his Trump "You're fired!" impression.
+Are we sure Eli and Brian aren't long lost brothers? Because Devon just happens to be the spitting image of Gus with longer hair. Oh, CowLip. :|
+Whoa. Brian literally startled me when he channeled Veruca Salt for that "I WANT IT!" line. Which only makes me love Ted harder for not flinching in the face of that. Very few know how to stand up to Brian and question his decisions.
+That final shot of Brian at the railing? Totally a vision of what Brian would have become had he never had Justin in his life. Powerful, but alone. Bittersweet thought. Also, reminds me of UK!Stuart's "I'm a fag" speech.
+Slow those storyboards flying by at the end and they become spoiler sketches - they're actual scenes from upcoming eps! Extra credit if you can name the eps. ETA: Hot damn! Our lovely sandstorm63 did just that ages ago here. Thanks to teary_eyed2 for the link. :X


QUEER AS FOLK
5.01
WRITTEN BY: Ron Cowen & Daniel Lipman
DIRECTED BY: Kelly Makin
ORIGINAL AIRDATE: May 22, 2005
TRANSCRIBED BY: url_girl

SUMMARY: Michael throws a surprise 10th anniversary party for Melanie and Lindsay, but the evening doesn't quite turn out as planned. Justin's stay in Hollywood is extended, in turn affecting his relationship with Brian. At Ted's suggestion, Brian invests his Kinnetik profits in a new venture.

FADE IN: RAGE STORYBOARDS
Close-ups of storyboards flashing by in Pride colors. Select scenes: Swineheart plotting; Rage being overpowered by clones; Rage bound, hanging upside down amid fire with the art direction of "push in"; a religious cross with "cut to medium shot of Swineheart camera tracks around him"; the town as clones, attacking Rage and Zephyr. Cut to the Rage logo cover page: Rage Storyboards.

ART DIRECTION: Panel 1 "Rage" Scene 1. Fade in. Rage Logo - a tear rips across, revealing Gayopolis below.

COMIC BOOK NARRATOR [VO]
In a world of shadow, where the undead stalk the night...

STORYBOARD: Arial view of a street with two cars and an alley filled with people.

ART DIRECTION: Scene 1 Page 3 X-DISS. To alley as Rage and Zephyr fight against clones. Camera reveals sea of clones.

STORYBOARD: Rage and Zephyr fighting clones. Rage holds one clone in a left-arm headlock, in mid-punch with his right. Zephyr in mid-punch of a clone.

COMIC BOOK NARRATOR [VO]
Rage and Zephyr struggle to escape the Land of the Clones.

STORYBOARD: Sea of clones, arms extended to attack.

ART DIRECTION: Cut. Close on Rage and Zephyr in battle.

STORYBOARD: Rage and Zephyr being overpowered by the sea of clones.

ART DIRECTION: Push in

STORYBOARD: Rage, fists raised, with a clone on his back.

STORYBOARD: Zephyr, right arm raised, held by two clones.

STORYBOARD: Their struggle, clones closing in.

DISSOLVE TO: INT. BABYLON - NIGHT
The clones become the dancers. The dramatic comic book soundtrack melts into Babylon's techno thumpa-thumpa. We move through the crowd to find Brian and Michael dancing. While Brian rides a high, Michael has his hands on Brian's shoulders.

MICHAEL
You know what amazes me?

BRIAN
What, dear?

Drug vial in hand, he prepares a hit. They keep dancing.

MICHAEL
Outside, a child is born, a man dies, a couple gets married.

BRIAN
The ever-changing kaleidoscope of life.

He takes a bump. Michael grins.

MICHAEL
In here...

SCENE FREEZES: Dancers in mid-move, confetti in mid-drop, music gone, color bled to blue tones. Michael and Brian are unaffected. What remains is an echo-sound to their voices, as if in an empty warehouse. Michael moves through the crowd, Brian following.

MICHAEL
...nothing changes. Everything's the same. Same hot guys. Same thumpa-thumpa. Same shaved chest.

BRIAN
Hmn. Mmmm.

Grinning, he trails a finger down a nearby bare chest.

BRIAN
And what a comfort it is to know.

MICHAEL
But it's all a lie. An illusion.

He swipes a hand across some confetti. It falls at his touch, tinkling like glass.

MICHAEL
Just cheap theatrics.

Brian swoops in for Michael's arm, dragging him back to their dancing spot.

BRIAN
Nevertheless, let's - keep - dancing.

SCENE UNFREEZES: At the word 'dancing,' everything picks up exactly as before. Brian and Michael dance. Shots of the crowd, the go-go boys, back to Brian and Michael.

MICHAEL
I promised Ben I'd be home by midnight.

BRIAN
[to the ceiling] How pathetic!

Michael heads off the dance floor. Brian follows, arm across Michael's shoulders.

BRIAN
Well, be sure and thank your husband for me for allowing you to come out and play with your poor, lonely friend.

MICHAEL
I notice you left out 'old.' Well, you'll be a lot less lonely when you're reunited with your beloved.

Brian stops walking.

BRIAN
And you better not say anything.

Michael turns, Brian's hand gripping his right shoulder.

MICHAEL
When have I ever--

Brian stares at him. Beat. Michael concedes with a nod.

MICHAEL
Fine. Never mind. I give you my word.

Brian, hands on hips.

BRIAN
Swear to it.

Points at him.

BRIAN
On the memory of Marilyn Monroe.

Michael laughs.

MICHAEL
I swear on the memory of Marilyn Monroe that I will not tell Justin that you are flying to L.A. this weekend to surprise him and that you love him and that you miss him more than words can express.

Brian has rolled his eyes and glanced away and back.

BRIAN
Ohhhh! Who said anything about that?

MICHAEL
Look, you don't fool me, Mr. I am a rock, I am an island. I know how hard this has been for you.

Brian holds Michael's neck.

BRIAN
Mmm. You have no idea, Mikey, how hard.

Brian kisses him before a brief lean-hug and walking away.

INT. BACKROOM
Two guys fucking. Brian, up against the wall getting sucked, watches then recognizes the fuckee. He grins.

BRIAN
Hey, Todd. How's it going?

TODD
Fine.

Brian smirks. His cell phone rings and he pulls it out to look.

BACKROOM GUY [OS]
Hey, dickhead! Turn off your fucking cell phone!

Brian does a scowl-chin-lift in his direction as he flips open the phone.

BRIAN
What's up?

CUT TO: EXT. CALIFORNIA - DAY
Justin, towel around his waist, stands poolside at an all-male party. The men are in shorts/Speedos or nude.

JUSTIN
Just lying here...

SPLIT SCREEN SHOT:
Justin on the phone, nude men walking around.
Group of mostly nude men dancing.
Group of mostly nude men talking, getting sucked.

JUSTIN
...eating a bag of Doritos, reading The Brothers Karamazov. What about you?

CUT TO: INT. BABYLON - NIGHT

SPLIT SCREEN SHOT:
Brian at Babylon, getting sucked.
Guys having sex, sex, sex.
Guys having sex, sex, sex.

BRIAN
Anna Karenina and Pringles.

Sound of Justin's laughter.

JUSTIN
[on the phone] I always said...

SPLIT SCREEN SHOT:
Justin at the pool party, walking to sit on a couch.
California dancing, smoking, hand shaking, drinking.
Brian at Babylon, getting sucked.
Babylon sex, sex, sex.

JUSTIN
...it was our love of Russian literature and snacks high in saturated fat that brought us together.

Brian laughs.

BRIAN
So, how's work?

JUSTIN
Up to my ass in storyboards. But Brett is thrilled.

SPLIT SCREEN SHOT:
Close-up of Justin on the phone.
Close-up of Brian on the phone.

JUSTIN
He says he never could have envisioned the project without me. He's even talking about a sequel.

BRIAN
My superhero.

JUSTIN
Only trouble is, pre-production is slower than we expected so I might have to stay longer than I thought.

Brian frowns as his shot widens to full screen.

INT. BABYLON

BRIAN
How much longer?

EXT. CALIFORNIA

JUSTIN
Another three months. Maybe four.

INT. BABYLON
Brian leans his head back against the wall, disappointed. He nods a little.

JUSTIN
[on the phone] The studio is screaming, but Brett says not to worry, that happens all the time.

EXT. CALIFORNIA

JUSTIN
You're not pissed, are you?

INT. BABYLON

BRIAN
Why the fuck would I be pissed? Told you before you went out there, the only reason I'd be pissed is if you didn't go.

JUSTIN
[on the phone] So when are you coming out here?

EXT. CALIFORNIA
Justin looks over to the guys fucking on the couch next to his, laughing.

JUSTIN
You'd fucking love it.

INT. BABYLON

BRIAN
You never know when I just might drop in.

EXT. CALIFORNIA

JUSTIN
Well, you better hurry. The way things are going, I'll be doing Son of Rage.

INT. BABYLON
Brian smiles, looks down.

EXT. CALIFORNIA

JUSTIN
I miss you.

INT. BABYLON
Brian clears his throat, presses his head against the wall.

BRIAN
Hey, you take care of yourself, you hear? You do the best work you can. And have the best time you can. That's all that matters.

Beat. He hangs up.

EXT. CALIFORNIA
Justin looks at his phone, ends the call and folds it. Across in the near distance, a hottie is giving him the eye.

INT. BABYLON
Brian moaning, getting sucked.

EXT. CALIFORNIA
Long shot of Justin on the couch, Hottie's back in the forefront as he sits on the pool's edge.

INT. BABYLON
Brian moaning, getting sucked.

EXT. CALIFORNIA
Justin gets up.

INT. BABYLON
Brian. More moaning. More sucking.

EXT. CALIFORNIA
Justin and Hottie walk to each other.

INT. BABYLON
Brian coming.

CUT TO: INT. LINDSAY AND MELANIE'S HOUSE - DAY
Close up of a baby girl, JENNY REBECCA, happy and gurgling on her back.

BEN [OS]
She has your big button eyes. And your dimples.

We pull back to see Melanie, Gus, Lindsay, Michael and Ben leaning over a crib. Everyone is happy.

BEN
And your adorable nose.

MICHAEL
Well, she's got one thing of Mel's that I don't have.

LINDSAY
She's so young, it's hard to tell exactly who she looks like.

MELANIE
At this point, she's just a sleep, eat, and poop machine.

MICHAEL
Yeah, but she's our little sleep, eat, and poop machine.

He pulls her blanket up to her chest.

MICHAEL
Sweet dreams, honey bun.

INT. HALLWAY
Ben and Michael lead the way out of the baby's room and down the stairs. Melanie and Lindsay -- holding Gus's hand -- follow.

BEN
Honey bun?

MICHAEL
It's just what my mother used to call me. [to Mel/Linds] Which reminds me, she said to tell you that she's coming by tomorrow to see the baby.

Lindsay looks back at Melanie, both solemn.

MELANIE
Oh. Would you have her call first?

MICHAEL
She's not pestering you, is she? Cos if she is, just tell me. I hate when she pesters.

They gather at the foot of the stairs. Lindsay swings Gus down to stand in front of her, having carried him.

MICHAEL
Are you sure you guys don't need any groceries? Got enough diapers? What about talcum powder?

Ben and Lindsay laugh.

LINDSAY
We're all set.

MELANIE
We've got everything under control.

BEN
Of course they do. After all these years, they're like a fine-tuned machine. I can't wait to be an old married couple.

LINDSAY
Ohh, don't rush it. It's nice to be newlyweds too.

BEN
How many years has it been?

MELANIE
Two hundred.

LINDSAY
Ten. This week actually.

MICHAEL
Ten's a biggie. You plan anything special?

MELANIE
We're taking a pass this year.

LINDSAY
Too tired, too busy.

Ben moves in for hugs and kisses from them.

MICHAEL
Just remember, if there's anything you need...

He kisses Melanie; she laughs.

MELANIE
When your tits start lactating, [phone mime] call me.

They laugh. Ben opens the door, waving. Michael follows.

BEN
[to Gus] Bye!

LINDSAY/MELANIE
Bye!

Melanie shuts the door, Lindsay beside her. They lean against it. Smiles vanish, shoulders slump. Long beat.

MELANIE
You were good.

LINDSAY
So were you.

MELANIE
Practice makes perfect.

Lindsay gets Gus's jacket off the hook behind her, then picks him up. Melanie helps Gus put it on.

LINDSAY
But we're going to have to tell them eventually. They have to know I'm not living here.

MELANIE
Of course they need to know. And they will. Eventually.

Melanie opens the door for Lindsay to leave. Alone, she leans against the door, eyes closed.

CUT TO: EXT. DEB'S HOUSE - NIGHT
A car drives up to the curb.

DEB [VO]
I just want to grab some pantyhose and my lasagna pan.

Carl and Deb get out. Carl walks around to join her on the sidewalk.

CARL
I don't think I can help you with the pantyhose, but don't I have enough pans at my house?

DEB
What, that old collection of TV dinner tins?

Carl chuckles. They walk up to the house.

DEB
Speaking of collections, I gotta remember to bring my glass clowns.

Carl rounds on her, hand held up.

CARL
Wait! You just brought over all those owls, with all those ... eyes.

Deb chuckles.

CARL
With all this stuff you've been hauling over, we might as well be living here.

Beat.

DEB
Carl.

CARL
What?

DEB
Jeez. I don't know how to say this.

CARL
[shocked] You? Not know how to say something?

She chuckles. Beat.

DEB
It's about your place.

CARL
What's the matter with my place?

DEB
Nothing. No no, nothing's the matter with your place. [beat] It's just ... It's not this place.

CARL
We've had endless discussions about where we were gonna live. You, you said you didn't want to be here. There were too many sad memories.

DEB
It's true, and at the time, all I could think about was losing Vic. But since I've been gone, all the happy memories are starting to come back and they're even beating out the sad ones. [beat] I've lived in this house almost thirty years. That's practically all of Michael's life. There were days when we could barely muster up the mortgage and... and days when we partied all night long and that didn't even count birthdays and holidays.

They laugh fondly.

DEB
This house is a part of me. And I've never been away from it until now. There's nothing, nothing wrong with your place, sweetheart, I love being there with you. But I wanna come home.

CARL
Honey. It's like I said from the start. It's up to you. Wherever you are is home to me.

DEB
Really? Really?!

She kisses him and he chuckles, hugging her.

DEB
Thank you!

INT. DEB'S HOUSE
The door opens and Deb and Carl walk in to find Emmett getting fucked quite vocally on the couch by a trick.

EMMETT
Oh, yeah! Fuck me like you mean it, come on! Ahhhh!

Deb and Carl watch, shell-shocked. Emmett and Trick come and fall over on the couch. Behind them, porn is on the TV. A lamp breaks. Recovering, Emmett then Trick peek up over the couch back. Deb smiles at an open-mouthed Carl.

DEB
Welcome home.

CUT TO: INT. MICHAEL AND BEN'S BUILDING - NIGHT
Michael and Ben walk up the stairs. Michael's carrying a giant giraffe with a red bow on its head, Ben has two plastic bags.

BEN
Ya know, every time you see a stuffed animal, you don't have to buy it.

MICHAEL
I can't help it. I want my girl to have everything.

Ben laughs. Two twinks are making out in the hall, blocking their way.

BEN
Ex-cuse us.

They move aside, giving him a dirty look. Ben and Michael skirt around.

BEN
What are they giving me a look for? [to the departing guys] This isn't a fucking backroom!

MICHAEL
The party has been going on since last night.

The door next to Michael opens and two guys come out, leaving the door open. Michael pokes his head in. We see a guy smoking a joint.

BEN
[disapproving] Michael!

Michael pulls his head back out as Ben uses his keys to unlock their door.

MICHAEL
Just curious. Fags packed to the rafters. One of 'em looks just like--

Hunter strolls out of the party.

HUNTER
Hey, dudes, you're home.

Opens their door.

MICHAEL
Why aren't you?

INT. MICHAEL AND BEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Door swings open and they all walk in.

HUNTER
Jason and Troy asked me if we had the new Christina Aguilera CD. So I loaned 'em ours.

Ben closes the door. Michael drops the giraffe to the side.

MICHAEL
That'll be the last we see of that, thank you very much.

BEN
You don't belong over there with guys who've been partying all night.


HUNTER
I was just trying to be neighborly. And maybe cop a little weed.

Michael points further into the apartment.

MICHAEL
You should be studying for your midterms!

BEN
Crack those books, pal.

He goes to the kitchen. Mouth open, Hunter walks away.

INT. KITCHEN
Ben sets his keys then the bags on the counter. Behind him, Michael opens the fridge.

MICHAEL
Here, give me the ice cream. I'll put it in the freezer.

Ben hands him Haagen-Daz. He unloads the rest of the groceries.

MICHAEL
They seem kinda ... cranky to you?

BEN
Who?

MICHAEL
Mel and Linds.

BEN
No more than usual.

Hands Michael two cartons to put away: one regular milk, one Silk.

BEN
I mean, they're both probably exhausted.

MICHAEL
They must be, to not want to celebrate their tenth anniversary.

Closes the fridge.

BEN
Between breastfeeding and changing diapers, I'm sure planning a celebration is the last thought on their minds.

MICHAEL
Maybe we should think of it for them.

Ben's face softens and he holds Michael from behind, nuzzling his head.

BEN
I hope on our tenth anniversary we're not too tired to celebrate.

Grinning, Michael turns in his arms.

MICHAEL
I seriously doubt that would ever happen.

They kiss. It deepens as Hunter enters.

HUNTER
Hey. I thought when you got married you fucked less.

Ben opens his mouth. Hunter hunt and gathers the Captain Crunch from a grocery bag then leaves. Ben goes to say something, but Michael kisses him.

CUT TO: INT. KINNETIK ADVERTISING AGENCY - DAY
Brian's office. The conference table: Two coffee pitchers, plate of pastries, four white mugs on a matching tray, red napkins, white notepad with pen, small stack of glossy black folders. Brian stands at the table, looking at a plane ticket he's holding. He folds it back up and walks to his desk as Ted enters, stopping at the pastry plate. Beyond the door, the sounds of Kinnetik running smoothly.

TED
You counting down the hours, Bri?

He grabs a bear claw and tears off half to eat.

TED
I'd be too, you lucky bastard. Zooming off to Los Angeles for a little Sunshine.

Chuckle and a big bite. Brian, hands in pockets, strolls over.

TED
[mouth full] But, mmm, before you fly away, we need to go over some figures.

He wipes his mouth on a napkin, picking up a legal notepad and writes.

BRIAN
How many bear claws you've consumed this morning?

Frowning, he tosses Ted's untouched bear claw half back onto the plate.

TED
I'm writing down a number.

BRIAN
Oh, I get it, I'm supposed to guess what it is? Then what, we become the new Siegfried and Roy?

Grinning smugly, Ted turns the pad for Brian to see. Brian gives a questioning look.

TED
That's how much Kinnetik made last quarter.

Brian snatches the notepad and stares at it.

BRIAN
That's not too shabby.

TED
Not too shabby?! For being in business a year, it's over the fucking moon!

He leans over to lust after the bear claws again.

TED
So, what do you plan to do with it?

Brian slides the plate toward him.

BRIAN
Oh. It's all yours.

They laugh. Ted lightly smacks Brian's forearm.

TED
I meant the profits.

He picks up the folders and walks around the table, placing a folder at each seat.

TED
Of course, you could always pump it back into the business, but, ah, I'd caution you against expanding too quickly.

Brian gestures toward Ted's middle.

BRIAN
I might say the same thing to you.

TED
As far as stocks and bonds, eh. To get a good rate, you'd have to go out to the middle of the 24th century.

BRIAN
So what do you suggest?

Ted comes to stop in front of Brian.

TED
The best investment there is.

He smacks Brian's upper chest.

TED
Yourself.

Another smack.

TED
Spend it on you! You've worked like a son of a bitch, you went through hell and back with your, uh...

Waves his fingers at Brian's crotch, then quickly holds his hands up.

TED
But thank god, you're okay. So, treat yourself to something special. Go buy a new toy.

BRIAN
Got dildos up the ass.

Brian heads back to this desk. Ted follows.

TED
I mean that little extravagance you thought you could never afford. Like, uh, shiny red Ferrari, or perhaps a, a Warhol to hang in the loft.

Brian sits at his desk, slipping the airplane ticket into the top drawer.

TED
Or, uh, how about something for Justin? Like, uh, his own personal Learjet so he can wing back and forth from the coast to visit you?

Brian takes the teasing with a smirk and Ted heads back to the pastries.

TED [OS]
Well, I'm sure you'll come up with something to delight yourself with.

Pastry nibbling.

TED
Umm.

Brian stares at his computer.

CUT TO: INT. ELI AND MONTY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
We follow ELI, holding a dish of olives, from the hallway into the living room to find Michael and Ben standing, looking at a photo album.

BEN
Oh god, they're so cute!

Eli finishes making their Martinis at the bar.

ELI
I'm Devon's biological father and Monty's Ondine's bio dad. Same mom, however. It was important to us that they be related.

MONTY comes in from the hall.

MONTY
Finally got the kids down. I had to sing Under the Sea six times.

BEN
[laughing] Oh ho ho!

Eli hands out the drinks.

ELI
You do perform it brilliantly.

MICHAEL
Your kids are so adorable.

BEN
Yeah.

MONTY
Aw, thanks. Eli tells me you just had one of your own.

He sits in a chair. Eli sits nearby.

MICHAEL
Jenny Rebecca. Um, but we call her J.R.

He and Ben sit on the couch.

MONTY
[laughing] I love that!

MICHAEL
But we're not parenting like you.

BEN
No. Melanie and Lindsay, our lesbian friends, are the primary parents.

MONTY
Well, if you do ever decide to raise one of your own, this is the perfect neighborhood to do it. We have a huge backyard.

ELI
There's a Gymboree down the block.

MONTY
And they're even putting in a Baby Gap.

BEN
Ooh.

MICHAEL
It's funny. When I was a kid, we weren't even allowed to come over here. It was too dangerous.

MONTY
Now the only danger's if they run out of wasabi peas at Whole Foods.

They all chuckle.

BEN
Yeah, leave it to the queers to turn dross into gold.

MONTY
That's no fairy tale! Ever since the gays moved in, fixing things up, real estate prices have soared.

ELI
You guys ever think about moving?

Ben and Michael stare.

CUT TO: EXT. LIBERTY AVENUE - NIGHT
Busy night. A drag queen hugs a friend.

DRAG QUEEN
Hi! Oh my god, you look fabulous!

Michael and Ben move through the crowd.

BEN
[to a group of guys] Excuse me, pardon me. [to Michael] It's like a different world, isn't it? Between here and where Eli and Monty live?


MICHAEL
Hmn. You want to stop in for a drink?

BEN
Oh, I got a lecture to prepare.

Michael nods in understanding.

BEN
Soo, how'd you like their house?

MICHAEL
They did a great job.

BEN
Yeah.

MICHAEL
It's amazing how much that neighborhood has changed.

Looking down as they walk, Ben makes an 'ew, gross' sound and Michael looks too.

BEN
Wish this one would.

MICHAEL
What's a used condom or two.

BEN
Besides, the apartment is too small for the three of us. And that building is like a gay dorm.

MICHAEL
It's not that bad.

BEN
Not if you're twenty-four and want to fuck everything that moves. Or Brian. We're past all that, aren't we?

MICHAEL
Sure.

BEN
So, uh, whatta ya think about getting a place of our own?

MICHAEL
You really want to move...

BEN
Why not? I bet between the two of us, we can afford it.

MICHAEL
Maybe so, but this is where we live. Where I've lived my whole life. I don't know if I want to pick up and leave just like that.

BEN
[disappointed] Was just a thought.

CUT TO: INT. RIPT GYM - DAY
Emmett, water bottle in hand, reads a flyer tacked to the announcement board. Ted is beside him, eating a power bar.

EMMETT
Charming, spacious apartment to share, own bedroom, private bath, no pets, bottoms only need apply. Perfect.

He tears off a phone number.

TED
So who asked you to leave, Deb or Horvath?

EMMETT
Mm, neither. They didn't have to.

TED
Look on their faces must have been priceless when they found you entertaining.

EMMETT
Deb wanted to watch and have a Q&A afterwards.

Ted laughs.

TED
No doubt. What about Horvath?

EMMETT
Did you ever see The Blob?

TED
Mm-hm.

EMMETT
Remember the look on the old farmer's face just before it devoured him?

Ted makes a freaked-out face.

TED
ARGH!

EMMETT
Mm-hmm. So I've decided to spare everyone the discomfort of going through another embarrassing scene, quietly fold my tent and move on.

Ted nods. They walk back to the machines as Ted opens another power bar.

EMMETT
Teddy, how many of those power bars have you had?

TED

Who's counting?

EMMETT
I am. And that's your fourth.

Ted sits on a weight bench and shrugs.

EMMETT
Do you know the number of carbs in those things, not to mention the calories?

TED
So I'll burn 'em off.

EMMETT
Honey, you'd have to go up in flames.

Ted frowns and looks down at the power bar. Emmett crouches down.

EMMETT
Look I, I know you don't want to hear this so, please, please promise me you won't take it the wrong way. But as your friend I feel it's my obligation to tell you you're getting a little, um...

TED
A little what?

EMMETT
A little ... hardy. I mean, uh, ro-robust. I mean--

Brian swings into the frame.

BRIAN
Fat.

He pats Ted's middle.

TED
Fat? Wh--you think I'm fat?!

Emmett stands, looking uncomfortable.

BRIAN
Well, let's put it this way: If you start singing, it's all over.

TED
I'll have you know, I'm not fat, I'm just, I'm bulking up.

Brian and Emmett share a look.

TED
I was a shadow of my former self when I was on crystal and I shed quite a few pounds during the Liberty Ride. And I happen to think I look pretty damned good.

He takes a bite of the power bar as a blond gym twinkie, GARY, cruises him.

TED
And obviously, so does he.

Ted grins. He stands to follow, giving Brian and Emmett a smug gesture on his way.

EMMETT
Who knew you could catch twinkies by stuffing them in your mouth?

In the distance, Ted approaches Gary.

TED
Hey.

GARY
Hey.

TED
How are ya?

A gym bunny starts working on the machine Ted vacated.

EMMETT
All right, I'm off to find new digs.

He waves his towel at Brian's face.

EMMETT
Ta!

Brian snaps his towel toward Emmett just as Michael walks by, touching Brian's back in greeting. Brian swats his arm to get him to stop walking.

BRIAN
Hey. Shall we take a peek in the steam room and see what's lurking in the mist?

MICHAEL
Can't. Brett's calling from L.A., wants my input on a couple of story points for the screenplay. Ya know, stuff Rage might say.

Brian smirks at the Gym Bunny.

BRIAN
Zowy, Zephyr, check out that super cock.

He and Michael grin.

MICHAEL
Something like that.

Brian gives a low chuckle. They start walking.

MICHAEL
Besides, I thought you had a plane to catch. Justin's going to be so excited when you show up.

Brian drapes his towel over a guy's dumbbell bar as they pass.

BRIAN
I'm not going.

Michael stops and stares.

BRIAN
Trip's cancelled.

He strips his tank top off.

MICHAEL
But I thought you had all these plans to surprise him.

BRIAN
Well, I guess the surprise is there's not gonna be one.

He walks off screen, Michael following.

CUT TO: RAGE STORYBOARDS
Swineheart in a church, well-dressed men and women flocked around. He stands at a pulpit, arms raised with a bible in his hands. Behind him are two crosses and a symbol. The symbol, using the "S" for Swineheart, closely resembles a swastika.

ART DIRECTION: "Push in" inside arrows on each side of the frame.

STORYBOARDS: The enthralled audience as Swineheart preaches.

COMIC BOOK NARRATOR [VO]
Reverend Swineheart, Rage's nemesis and sworn enemy of queers everywhere, preaches his message of hate from his pulpit...

STORYBOARD: Bright orange flames rise up to engulf the screen.

STORYBOARD: Stone cave where Rage, bound, hangs upside down over a fire pit.

COMIC BOOK NARRATOR [VO]
...while deep in the catacombs of the church...

STORYBOARD: Shrinks to the same Rage storyboard with art direction.

ART DIRECTION: Use fire wipe from prev. scene.

COMIC BOOK NARRATOR [VO]
...Rage hangs suspended above the flames...

STORYBOARD: Back view of Rage over the fire.

ART DIRECTION: F.G. rock pans in. Push in.

COMIC BOOK NARRATOR [VO]
...his hands bound in really hot leather restraints...

STORYBOARD: Close-up of Rage.

ART DIRECTION: Push in-circled.

STORYBOARD: Arial shot of J.T. running down a hall.

ART DIRECTION: Panel 8. Rage: Scene 52. Track. Cut J.T. racing down the hall charges to the rescue.

COMIC BOOK NARRATOR [VO]
Meanwhile, J.T. races to the rescue.

STORYBOARD: Close-up of J.T. running.

ART DIRECTION: Cut. To show J.T.

STORYBOARD: Close-up of J.T. drawing.

ART DIRECTION: Rage: Scene 54. Cut. To C.U. J.T. running

DISSOLVE TO: INT. CALIFORNIA - DAY
J.T. becomes Justin. The action melts into Justin at his desk in the production studio. The wall behind him is covered with Rage misc. He's intent on drawing when an EMPLOYEE walks into the office and heads straight to Justin.

EMPLOYEE
Mr. Keller says they need the storyboards for the catacomb sequence now-now-now.

JUSTIN
Tell him I'm hurrying as fast as I can-can-can.

She grins. He gathers up the sheet he's drawing on plus several more sitting to his right and hands them over.

JUSTIN
Pray my hand holds out.

She rushes out just as Brett strolls in and heads toward Justin.

BRETT
You look all out of breath.

Justin lets out a laughed breath.

JUSTIN
I'm just trying to finish these storyboards for a certain demanding tyrant.

BRETT
Those? Forget it. I've got incredible news.

Justin turns to him.

BRETT
And other than a legion of studio executives, agents, publicists, managers and both trade papers, you are the very first to hear it. We just signed someone to play Rage.

JUSTIN
Who? Who!

BRETT
This is the movies. Instead of telling you, I'll show you.

Brett steps aside and we see CONNOR JAMES appear at the door. Justin matches his grin as Connor walks over.

JUSTIN
Connor.

CONNOR
Hey, man.

JUSTIN
Where have you been?

They shake hands.

BRETT
Oh, he's just back from doing a Kabuki version of Much Ado off-off-off-OFF..

Connor elbows him and he grunts.

BRETT
...Broadway.

CONNOR
What a change from working with those Hollywood hacks who aspire to nothing more than mediocrity.

BRETT
And still you don't have any problem picking up that paycheck, do you?

Connor laughs.

BRETT
Well, get ready to do some serious acting. We start flying lessons on Monday.

He moves away to an art table. Connor moves closer to Justin.

JUSTIN
I thought you turned down the part.

CONNOR
Oh, the director convinced me it'd be good for my career. Show everyone I'm a straight guy who has no problems playing gay for pay.

Behind them, Brett cackles then walks out. Justin doesn't look all that thrilled.

CUT TO: INT. MICHAEL AND BEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Kitchen. Emmett pointing out to Michael various dishes on the counter/stove.

EMMETT
All riiight. Stuffed eggplant, Caprese salad, humus, and the piece de resistance...

He turns with a full platter.

EMMETT
...fried chicken which is not really fried but baked to make it taste like fried so nobody feels guilty.

MICHAEL
Mel and Linds are gonna go outta their minds when we show up. I can't thank you enough for all of this, Em.

EMMETT
My pleasure, sweetie.

He turns to stare down at a casserole on the stove, pointing.

EMMETT
What's this?

BEN
Oh, casserole I made to take along. Millet, leeks and soy cheese.

EMMETT
Are you sure you're not a lesbian?

Ben moves around him to get a box of bags. They bump into each other.

EMMETT
Whoopsie.

He moves to get the chicken.

BEN
Kitchen's so tiny, you can barely turn around.

Emmett hip-checks Ben, laughing.

EMMETT
Care to dance?

Only he and Michael laugh. Emmett puts the chicken in the fridge.

EMMETT
Which isn't too much of a stretch, considering Baby Babylon blasting across the way.

BEN
Tell me about it.

Walks away. Michael watches knowingly.

EMMETT
Why are his firm, manly tits in a twist?

MICHAEL
He thinks the building's turning into a den of iniquity. Sex, drugs, cruising.

EMMETT
Okay, so those are the advantages. What are the liabilities?

MICHAEL
That basically we've outgrown this place.

EMMETT
Well, let's face it, honey, you are Sadie, Sadie, married lady. With the hubby and piglets to prove it. I, on the other hand, remain wantonly single. So if you're moving out, maybe I should move back in.

MICHAEL
We're not moving.

INT. FRONT DOOR
Ben opens it to poke his head out. The hall is filled with young guys milling around, drinking and talking. Ben calls over his shoulder.

BEN
Would you look at this?

Emmett and Michael join him from the kitchen.

BEN
[raises voice out the hall] It's like homo central!

GUY [OS]
Bite me!

Michael laughs, Emmett pokes his head out curiously.

MICHAEL
Calm down. They're just young and having fun. You were that age once, remember?

BEN
That's exactly the point. We're not that age anymore. It's time to move to a house, on a street like Eli and Monty.

MICHAEL
Buying a house is not like buying a CD or a sweater. Even if we did decide to do it, first we'd have to review our finances, check out the numbers. Right, Em?

Emmett turns from checking out the hotties in the hall.

EMMETT
Oh, I'd say checking out the numbers is essential.

Grinning, he leaves, closing the door behind him.

***
Queer as Folk and all its characters are a property of CowLip and Showtime. No copyright infringement is intended.

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