Oh, url_girl!!!!

From the "unbelievably silly things I've written" file:

Once upon a time, there was a wee little elf named Rand… Just… Harri…. Just!Harry? Let’s just call him Justin. Now, Justin was a very unhappy little elf indeed, because his job in Santa’s workshop, while an important one, was not very glamorous. You see, Justin’s job was to carve and paint the letters into the wooden blocks for toddlers and babies. Justin liked kids just fine. He knew this because he kept repeating “I like kids, I do! I do!” in his head at random times while at work, just to remind himself. So he was able to like kids and even got an OOC urge to cuddle 3-year olds every so often, but he still loathed baby things such as, you got it, blocks. He got the ang… frustration out of his system with some target practice for the gun he wasn’t supposed to have due to supposed anger issues. People said he had anger issues. They were obviously jealous. It wasn’t his fault the world sucked!

You see, Justin’s real frustration was his job. He liked the idea of important work he didn’t have. While working at his bench in Santa’s Workshop, Justin daydreamed of taking down major political oppressors, or defeating oppressive legislation, or servicing the gigantic penises of two hot guys at once in a way that was not at all oppressive. Instead, poor Justin was stuck carving wooden blocks for babies. No one ever made a fuss over wooden letter blocks. They made fusses over cabbage patch dolls, which the elf Greta got to make, or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle accessories that were assigned to Peter.

...continued but not finished.

More as such:

You see, Santa had an enemy. Yes! It is hard to imagine, what with the generous giving and spirit of the most wonderful time of year and all, but Santa indeed had an enemy, which simply goes to show that not all the dicks are hot and hard, but some are just plain wrong-headed. So to speak. The elves all spoke of him in hushed whispers, calling him the Abominable!Brian, or “The Grumble”, after one of the villains in the cartoon Brian had created to promote Santa’s work (which he later called “total horseshit,” but that was after he’d clearly gone crazy). The story went this way: Once, lo, long ago, there was an elf named Brian who had gone bad, insulting children, and implying that families weren’t all worthy of love and happiness, and some even deserved to go to hell! BLASPHEMY! And this from an elf who had apparently handled Santa’s PR, devising some wonderful Christmas specials and the coup de grace, “A Clay Aiken Christmas,” before he apparently starting telling the others it was all bullshit and Christmas could be a particularly horrifying time of year! Well! Santa couldn’t put up with THAT, now could he? Brian had been banished to the south.

I'm at the point where Justin decides to get the promotion he needs by taking out the Grumble (or Abominable!Brian, if you will), so he tosses on his pink shirt and grabs his gun (NOT THAT GUN) and goes off to find him.

Yeah, it's taken me what, three weeks to come up with all this? Not promising. I'm gonna try to finish, though.